i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
