if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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