I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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