oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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