Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
