it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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