With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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