I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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