I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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