he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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