I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
