Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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