Four minutes until I can fart!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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