What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
