it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
