I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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