Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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