Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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