He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
