somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize