oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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