After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
