i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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