I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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