Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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