Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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