Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
