I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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