i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
