I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
