This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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