I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
