last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
