i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I look better un-naked...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
