Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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