he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
