Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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