You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Moan for me like Helen Keller
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
