I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
