awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
