i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
