On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
