i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
