You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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