Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
