the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
