I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
