I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
