I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
