Farmville is her only friend.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
