I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
