I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
