we have officially lost it.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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