I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
