My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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