So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
