highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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